Sunday, August 1, 2010
Why do you love me?
Husband still can't seem to tell me why he loves me. He can sort of, but he can't seem to mirror the very essence of me. He tells me that I'm smart and funny and he likes being with me and he loves me, and it's just a feeling he has and he knows. Yet, I need him to look at me and say something like, "the way you are with people makes me swoon. When I see you rubbing the cat's belly, I know what a warm and compassionate person you are. When you give money to homeless people, I know that you have a good heart and I love that. When people gravitate toward you for help and advice, I feel proud that your my wife. When you meet people in the street and help them out a bit, I know that you are intuitive and kind and it's heartwarming to me." Or something like that. I want to know that he's watching me and that he sees what I do. I want to know that he likes about me what I like about myself. I want to know that he sees in me things that I don't see in myself. I know that I'm smart and funny and kind. That's not why my husband loves me. That's just normal human being traits. Many people are kind and compassionate and smart and funny. But he's not married to all of them. It hurts me because it makes me feel unspecial, unseen, and replaceable. It makes me feel as though he loves me because it's convenient. I could write a 200,000 word monologue on why I love my husband. Yes, still. Despite the fact that I hate him and I'm dangerously angry at him right now, I still love him. He's a great guy. But I need more. I fucking need more.
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Yeah, this part sux. I totally get it. I used to ask my husband how much he loved me. I guess I was expecting him to answer in huge, grandiose terms like, "as big as the universe" or "infinity plus 1" or for him to stretch his arms out as wide as they would go. Instead he would respond with holding his hands about six inches apart, or once he said "about a dumptruck's worth." I too, was trying to get at why and how much he loves me. I want to feel special and I need it too. We all do I think. I could have spent days telling him all the reasons that I loved him, but he just didn't seem to respond to it in a way that ever gave me any real satisfaction.
ReplyDeleteI don't know the answer to all of this. Your story is wildly similar to my story, but still we are different people in different places. I know that after dealing with this for months and months...almost a year now, I have swung back and forth so many times I could give Tarzan a run for his money. In the end I realized that I lost myself somewhere and I need to find me again...and I digress.
I guess the point I'm trying to make is that you are special, beautiful, unique and valuable. It's hard to believe it sometimes when the one person who is supposed to really see you seems to be so visually impaired.
P.S.
I want to apologize about my last comment. I hope I didn't offend you as that was not my intention. I just thought it was a funny posting.
Thanks for the comment SWM. It's true though, right, a sex addict has trouble with intimacy and attaching to their own emotions. So what I need isn't exactly what my husband has to give. It's not so much that he's withholding, it's that he doesn't have it. You can't give someone $100 if you only have $5. I keep asking him for $100 and he keeps giving me $5 and promising me that he's working hard to get the rest and he'll give it to me when he has it. Yet, I need more... so that's tough.
ReplyDeleteBTW I didn't see any offensive comments. On which post? It's hard to offend me though... unless you're my husband of course.
For me, I realized that I do need more. I think that before the discovery was made I felt a slight hint of this, but couldn't put my finger on it. Now, I realize that I lost myself somewhere along the way and had been trying to be fulfilled by someone else. This is problematic because, 1) one can't draw fulfillment from another 2) I am so lost I don't know what it is anymore that does satisfy me and 3) you're correct, you can't squeeze blood from a stone as the saying goes.
ReplyDeleteI'm edging in on a year of this shit and have just now realized that I am codependent. I've been working with my therapist, but have been really resistant to the label. I guess all along I was so pissed that he f'd things up and that HE should fix it. I was just trying to handle it in a responsible way. What I didn't realize, I knew it in a way, but couldn't really see it clearly was that I have a huge role to play in this too. I think that role is that I have very little boundaries, self esteem - the whole works and this lead me to not heed red flags, as well as, lead me to involve myself with unhealthy people. Am I rambling here? (Sometimes these conversations turn into verbal diarrhea [excuse my crudeness]).
Yeah, okay, getting back to you're original topic. I think this realization that he doesn't have the cash to pay the bill leads to so many other questions and lines of thinking. Did he ever have what I needed? Did you settle in a weird way? Did I compromise? What do I need? What would be satisfying? Am I asking to much? Can any one man idealize (love) me like I want or is that just BS fairy tale crap the movies likes to sell? Are my expectations unreasonable? And so on. The heuristic value of this ordeal is maddening.
I also want to caution you. You will go through the stages of grief over and over and over again. I think it's common that we feel at first that things are gonna be ok just as soon as Hubbie gets his ducks in a row and then magically life will return to normal. Oh how I wish that were the case! Secondly, you will drive yourself nuts if you don't allow time away from this.
Anyway, I'm sure you know all of this, but it helps me to have reinforcement from others in this situation. I'm really sorry that you have to deal with this. It sux. It is honestly the worst experience of my life and I've had a few. Have you read Codependent No More? It helps.
-Samantha
Oh, I commented on your Poop Deck post. No biggie. Ever read any David Sedaris? He has a story called The Big One that you may enjoy.
Hi-
ReplyDeleteFirst of all let me say that I've loved reading your blog. I was recently unfaithful to my partner of 3.5 years and we are going through hell. I'm not sure that sex addiction is involved, but I'm still learning a lot from your writing.
Anyway, this post struck a big chord with me because it's one thing that I realized I felt I was missing from her. She professes love for me a lot, I can't complain about that. But when I say I want her to say specific things--like, for me, I love how she talks to the cat, e.g.--she can't come up with anything. She says it's because of my infidelity, which I can understand, but she also clearly doesn't understand why it's important to me. I've been tempted to send her this blog entry of yours, you put it so well. I feel at times like she's really downplaying this, but it feels really important to me. But I'm bad at trusting my feelings. Anyway, this probably seems like a pretty minor thing and maybe it is, but I at least wanted to let you know I like your writing a lot.