Just. Wow.

So this is how it goes with being a human. It sucks. You know how cats and dogs have these distinct urges and instincts that they follow in order to stay alive and propagate the species? Well, somehow, us humans have those same instincts and urges. When I was in college, a girl living in my dorm smuggled a cat into her room during the summer semester. That poor cat was in heat and just cried hysterically all night long. She reminded me of Catherine floating through the moors pining away eternally for Heathcliff but the two of them, apparitions that keep missing each other and will never again be together. Feeling desperate, lonely, as though that one glimpse or touch will fix everything.

That is a crappy fucking feeling. And it's a feeling that I've had more times than I care to count in my life. With husband, I never had that feeling, because for all intents and purpose, husband and I have a very, very functional relationship. Yes, there's the whole S.A. thing. But I consider it to be minor in the scheme of things. Yet, I get insane with boys. In my head, I had a long and drawn out relationship with young and strapping. Thank god he heads out to the other coast tonight. I can't take waiting for his texts anymore and the possibility that we might see each other again if he gives me the word. But I'm left hanging. Young and strapping is a sweet young very alcoholic boy. And we've been texting back and forth. And where I send him long, witty, thought out, wordy and intelligent texts, he usually sends me back something along the lines of: LOL! hope you're having a good night. Me and my buddies are gettin' hammered! And in my head, it translates into something like, "My sweet girl, each moment without you is an eternity. From the moment I met you, I knew that we'd be together forever. I will sweep you off your feet away from your husband his cybersex addiction and his low sperm count. I will take care of you and we'll be together forever my cherie. We will live in Paris, in Bali, in Tunisia, in Barcelona-- run naked on foreign beaches till your cute little bum is brown as a brown plumb, drink exotic liquors, and learn native tongues. We'll make love nightly and make lots of beautiful babies together." But if I took out my real 27 year old alcoholic boy in the military dictionary, I would realize that the text meant. "I don't really understand exactly what your text means. And I'm not really interested in you, because I need to get back to playing x-box 360 with my boys, but I like the attention from a pretty older lady, so I'm gonna say something back. LOL" And of course i know that if it ever went further and me and young and strapping did decide to have an affair, the two weeks that he was here on this coast, it would be me watching him and his friends drink and watch movies (had that relationship in my 20's) and if we carried on a long distance relationship, it would be me afraid that he was out drinking and driving, which he probably would be. And i'd probably become so obsessed with him that I'd stop paying attention to husband (have been ignoring us for 2 weeks and disinterested in him), stop paying attention to the other interesting things in life I do (haven't done anything of note in 2 weeks), and make my whole world about him. I became obsessed with this boy not because I know him or I love him or anything like that, but because it's an old relationship. I've been in that relationship before. He's my ex. And all those old chemicals were triggered and released. I had 25 missed calls from him on Thursday night between 2am and 4am. That's the kind of compulsive behavior my ex used to do. It's because I was also very drunk that night. And tried to get him to meet up with me via text. And then he didn't respond and I so I got upset and told him I was deleting him from my phone. Jesus. I'm 20 years old again! (only we didn't have cell phones when i was that age, thank god!)
I wound up telling Husband everything. I told him about all the tangible stuff, the plane ride and all that, but then I told him about how fucked I got in the head afterwards. Husband was loving and forgiving and understanding. He said, "i know, I drove you to it." I told him that I wouldn't blame my behavior on him if he didn't blame his behavior on me. We switched roles in the past two weeks. I became the sex addict/alcoholic and he became the codependent. He says we just need to work through this whole mess and it's good that we have each other to do so. Husband is good stuff. I'm going to keep Young and Strapping in my prayers. What a sweetheart. I can't wait until my obsession with him passes. It's really interrupting my life. I'm wife interrupted.