From The Poop Deck

So husband went under general anesthesia on Friday to have the varicocele (varicose vein in his left nut) repaired so that he can start making some sperm. He was in surgery only for a few hours and then came home with a goody bag of percocet, codeine and vicodin. Husband isn't in the habit of taking pills. He does 1-2 glasses of pinot most nights, and occasionally gets drunk, but he's never taken drugs (even weed! wtf?) and so they affect him in the most curious way. The way everything affected him after his surgery was a great deal of constipation. Yup, husband was full of shit. Every night he would take a few of the stool softeners that the doctor gave him and every morning-- nothing! So, finally on Sunday, I gave him some smooth move tea to help him go. But the smooth move gave him spasms, but no poop. I told him to go sit on the toilet and relax. So he did, but nothing came out and husband began to panic. The longer he sat, the more he panicked. He began pounding glasses of water. He had like 5 or 6 giant glasses of water, but dude was so panicked that his sphincter muscles started to jam up, locking all the shit up inside of his intestines. Husband starts screaming for me. I walk into the bathroom and find him standing over the toilet completely naked, a look of terror on his face.

"You need to take me to the emergency room!" he screams.
"Um, why are you naked?" I ask him
"Just call 911, we have to go to the emergency room!"
"Wait. Can you at least put some underwear on?"
"No, I can't! I need to poop and I'm gonna poop all over myself but nothing's coming out. I think I'm going to explode, you need to take me to the emergency room."
"Wait. So why are you naked?"
At this point, I can barely keep a straight face. He looks totally pathetic, standing over the toilet naked, his belly all distended, toilet paper in hand and um, leaky ass... I was thinking "really? really this guy wanted to have sex with other women?" I was so annoyed and amused at the same time. thinking about what if the 22 year old bimbos could see him like this.
"I'm not taking you to the emergency room."
"how come?"
"because people don't die from constipation. I think you're having a panic attack, tell me where the emergency xanax is" (he hides the emergency xanax because unlike him, I do like drugs).
He took a xanax and I offered to read to him while he sat on the toilet. So he sat and relaxed and I laid in the bathtub reading him the biggest piece of shit book I've ever read-- Dave Ramsey's Total Money Makeover. Anyway, low and behold, the combination of xanax and Dave Ramsey made his ass explode and for that I'll always be thankful to Dave Ramsey. And by the way.. psssst... stock tip. If you can, buy some shares in Preparation H. i think we might make you rich.