The Way We Were

Me and Husband spent our Saturday night eating pizza, drinking beer, and watching "The Way We Were" in bed with my while I sobbed shamelessly. He also spent his first 4 waking minutes watching the Sex & the City "the Way We Were" Carrie/Hubble/Big redux on YouTube this morning with nary a complaint. Now that's love. Husband wiped my tears and held me. We are all broken. But at least I have him. I wish my love for him would come back. I lost it in the last few weeks. Though I know it's real and it's there. I just can't seem to find it.

So, I went ahead and sent Y&S a text this morning. I know that he's finally gone from this coast. I think he left some time during the last 24 hours. He stopped communicating with me for the most part after his 25 missed calls on Thursday night. I assume he was embarrassed. Or he's just fucking sick of me chasing him. And so I sent him a goodbye text. I feel mostly relieved that he's gone. His presence around here made me fucking insane. Here was my super codependent text:

i hope that you had a good flight back and didn't meet any scary cougars on the plane. I was pretty humbled and surprised by the fact that you didn't change your mind about meeting up with me. But I respect that you wanted to stay away from what you might have thought was a messy situation. Good luck with your life. Be careful out there. I will keep you in my prayers. I know that you won't understand this, but I feel blessed to have met you. You helped me put my life and marriage into perspective and sort through some things that I needed to look at. I owe you one, so call if you ever need to talk. I'm a good listener. I know from experience that people who think too much and feel too much tend to drink too much. So, be gentle with yourself and be good to yourself. I had 25 missed calls from you the other night with no messages- it made me giddy. You are like crack, one small taste of you just caused me to figure out how to get more. With that, I am letting you go. Farewell sweet boy.

Afterwards, I sat down with husband and told him everything. EVERYTHING! Except for when Y&S said that he'd impregnate me and we'd be lovers forever, because that's the kind of thing husband doesn't need to know. But I told him the important stuff, all the fucked up feelings I felt. All the weird fake love feelings and desperation and how I kept calling Y&S and tried to get him to see me. I was crying hysterically. Husband could barely hear it. He kept trying to get up and get coffee or walk away. I asked him why he kept walking away. He said that he was having a lot of trouble hearing it. In the end he said that he could understand what happened. And that he understands getting lost in fantasy. And being in a fog. He said he's angry and sad. But he's having trouble processing it all. He says that he knows me and how involved I get in people in pain. And that he loves me. It was good. I think we're gonna make it.