Oh Yeah

After I finished telling husband everything, and he couldn't quite process it all and wouldn't talk about his anger or sadness or anything, and could barely sit and listen to it... I asked him if he had any questions. He looked at me and said, "did you tell the army kid that he should go to AA?" so very sweet. He then asked me if we could go to the sports authority and buy new camping equipment. We did. I pointed out that compulsive shopping probably wasn't the way to process. He said he thought it was a good way. So, $400 and a new tent later, we're going camping next weekend. Barf. I hate camping. But. Oh well. It'll be good.

I have been thinking though, of course I didn't tell Y&S that he should go to AA. And my ex, T*****, who definitely should have been in a 12 step program, I never told him either. And this is why-- men who are alcoholics and drug addicts are easy to control, easy to manipulate and incredibly predictable in their unpredictability. Like I still know that all these years later, (we broke up in early 2003 and haven't seen each other since then) that T***** is still in love with me. Or thinks he is. I always felt invested in my significant other's fuck uped ness because it kept them mine. Weird. I'm happy I married Husband. He might not be perfect, but he's great. And our relationship will survive.

I this dream last night that I was on a gambling trip in Vegas with Madonna, Paul Rudd, Roseanne, and some extras. Paul Rudd was in love with Madonna, and she was totally mean to him. So he took off and left, with only a note that said, "it's too painful with her here rejecting me." And he left. And I was counting my money and missing him deeply. And then I began weeping, thinking about how sad I was that he was gone, thinking about how much I missed him and how poorly I treated him because I was trying to impress Madonna, but how Madonna was just kind of a jerk. Then I woke up (late) this morning, all teary and sad. My cat was pawing at my face. I realized that this was my fear about my husband leaving me. I called him and told him that I loved him and I wanted us to stay together and I didn't want us to cheat on each other anymore. He said he wanted the same thing and he loved me too. And so it goes. I still find myself recovering from the insanity that was August 9 - August 21.
I talked to a psychic in June. I thought she was insane and wrong and a waste of money. But she told me that something significant was going to happen in August that shook things up. I asked her what. She said she didn't know, but I'd know when it happened. Yeah, I guess that this is it. This was significant.