Oh yeah, that's it.

I finally figured out what it is about this boy that's making me so crazy. And it only took me 9 days and an advanced degree in Psychology. First off, I met boy at an airport bar. And he was drinking a lot. And then we ordered drinks on the plane. He finished 2 in the time that I finished half of one. And ladies, I am not a slow drinker. In fact, I can suck down three beers in the time that husband has taken two sips of one. I'm not exaggerating here. So, young boy is sucking down cocktails and looking sexier and sexier to me. Is it just my vodka goggles? No! Of course not! It's my codependency goggles! Oh yeah. Those things. Anyway, young boy told me all about his Dad leaving he and his mom and his brother, told me all about his girlfriend leaving him and moving in with someone else, told me all about how he still thinks about her all the time and how sad he is. And I was in love with young boy. Now, what I know is that when you fall in love with someone like that, it's not that you're falling in love with them. It's that you're triggering something very, very, familiar. Husband is not an alcoholic. But ex-boyfriend is. Ex boyfriend who I was with from age 22-29 who would get so drunk, then cry about horrible things that occurred in his childhood. Oh and I loved exboyfriend. I loved him with a passion. It was the most crazy co-dependent relationship in the world. I took care of him, enabled him, loved him while he treated me like shit. And in the end left him. It's 7 years later and he's still in love with me. He's drunk himself into an isolated hole and won't talk to me, (though I still want to save him) but his friends report back to me that he's not doing well and that he still loves me and isn't over me. Tell the lady what she's won. It's not that I fell in love with young strapping lad. It's that I wanted to save him. Oh. Yeah. That. It took me a while to realize it though. And stalking and sleuthing. He made this comment over text about how he can't get together with me again, and he knows it's stupid, but he has all this guilt built up inside of him, and it always happens and he thinks that's why he feels the need to drink. Oh yeah. And then, I'm ashamed to admit it, but I ran a background check on him this morning and found that he had 2 DUIs before the age of 21. None since. But still. Brother is a full on alcoholic. And I am a full on codie. And it felt familiar and right and wonderful and painful and I wanted him so bad that I couldn't sleep at night. I needed husband to get into my sleeping pill stash for me. It's funny. I was trying to figure out why I was so inexplicably drawn to young and strapping. I kept thinking it was because he was so young and beautiful and sexy. But it's certainly not the first time that I've had the opportunity to have sex with someone sexier than my husband. But it's the first time I felt unable to refuse. I felt powerless. My draw to him was insane. I know that if we'd hooked up, it wouldn't have ended there. It would be a very long, very passionate, very, very, very messy relationship. I don't think it would have ended my marriage. But I think that it would have completely distracted me from my life, which it has completely done over the past week and a half. Seriously. I've only been thinking about him. It's all the classic codependency stuff. It's weird because I'm not like this with Husband. He and I have a more adult, more evolved relationship. It doesn't (and never did) have this level of charge and intensity. This felt crazy intense. I don't want to sleep with him anymore because I know that I'm confusing sex and sexual attraction with my deep need to take care of him. I want to be friends with him and offer myself as a friend to him because I truly do like him. He's great. But I'm not doing anything any time soon until I get some distance from it. And of course I have to tell husband about all this at some point. We have couples counseling today. But I think I need to wait until young and strapping has left this side of the country to tell husband. I'm too strung out right now.

Oh, and I should mention, in the midst of all this, I emailed ex-boyfriend and told him that I was thinking about him and I was here if he needed to talk.

Oh me. *le sigh...