So it turns out that I can be an asshole too.

I have never cheated on husband. I've had opportunities. Many. But I've never crossed that line because I love him and we took vows. It was just closed to me. Unfortunately, I didn't realize this because the opportunity hadn't presented itself, but that line somehow unconsciously opened after I found out about his sex addiction.
I went to another coast to visit my folks. The plane was delayed on the way back and I wound up sitting at the airport bar with this very dreamy boy, almost ten years my junior. And we drank. A lot. And then we drank more. Then we figured out a way to sit together on the plane. Where I told him all about my husband's internet adventures and how he was looking for women to sleep with on the internet and the cyber sex and how hurt I was and how I thought we had the perfect marriage, but it turned out to be something different. Then I told him about our issues with infertility and my husband's sperm count and how he Then we drank vodka. Then we were kissing. A lot. Then we were somehow planning the next 50 years together. We decided that we were going to be lovers till we were 80 (till he was 80 and I was 89). We decided that he was going to knock me up. He was here visiting some friends for a few weeks. We decided that when we woke up the next morning we'd have sex. I texted him in the morning telling him that my conscience gave my libido a stern talking to and that it wasn't a good idea. He said that he understood and that was it. So then I went to therapy and sorted through it with my shrink. That only made me decide that I wanted to do it. I don't know why. The whole thing brought so much shit up for me in so many different ways that I need to sort through. But this is what I'll say, it quickly went from sex to being totally emotional for me. I think that's because I'm a woman. So, we texted again and made a plan for a rendezvous. And it was planned. I told him that sex was off the table for me and that he should know that straight off the bat. But that I wanted to see him again. And he said that he wanted to see me again too. So we planned to meet a few days later. And so, the morning I woke up, I didn't chicken out. I really wanted to see him. I was giddy with excitement, but nervous. I was shaking and sweating. But I texted him. And he shot me down. He said that he felt like a scum bag and that he didn't think it was alright to do it. And he felt like he was using me it made him feel horrible. And he begged me not to be mad at him. Mad at him? Jeez. I was relieved. But then, all of a sudden it kicked in. I was rejected. It felt awful and continues to feel awful. I know that this is for the best. But all of a sudden, I'm feeling incredibly retraumatized and depressed. Husband thinks it's him. I told one girlfriend who thinks that it is about husband and that I'm sad about this boy but i'm not, i'm really sad about husband and it's easier and safer to be sad about a stranger. Truth of the matter is, I was so drunk when I was with said boy, that I was in and out of a blackout. I don't even remember what he looks like. Yet, I can't stop thinking about him. And I know that I'm obsessed with a fantasy. Of someone who could sweep me off my feet and take me away from this world of infertility and infidelity and deception and debauchery. But wasn't that what I was doing with this boy? This has nothing to do with him. Since I've been a little girl, I've looked to a man to save me. I've fallen in love more times than I can count. I am a love addict. I become obsessed with the fantasy of people rather than with actual people. And then my emotions spin wildly out of control. I want this boy to leave town so I can recover from this experience. He's leaving at the end of the week. Thank goodness. Yet I find myself hoping that he will change his mind and text me. I know that this is unreal, yet the feeling of heartbreak feels so real. Husband gets high off of the sex chemicals, me, wife, gets safe off of love chemicals. I pine for them. I used to pine away for men/boys all the time. From the time I was in 2nd grade with Ben Farber. Then, when husband became a sex addict, i felt rejected and was traumatized. Now, I am retraumatized again. I want my marriage to work. I hate my emotions. I am just so sad and depressed right now.