Yeah. I did. It was a bit more than a month ago. I was on my way to therapy and I decided to get breakfast at a diner next door. My bill (for a couple of eggs and a cup of coffee) came to 11.25. I was so angry and resentful. When I gave the waitress my debit card, she told me that their credit card machine wasn't working and could I go get cash from the ATM. I told her that I had no time right now, but would be back later. Well, I didn't go back. I was angry at the waitress, angry at my therapist, angry at my husband, angry at everyone. It's been haunting me with joyous delight for more than a month. I knew that I should send them money, but I didn't want to. Anyway, yesterday, reluctantly and annoyedly, I put a $20 bill in the mail with an anonymous note telling them that I dined and dashed, and telling them the date and the time and a description of the waitress, asking that she please get her tip. So, she was getting a 77.777% tip instead of the 20% tip I would have left her if I stayed. I'm not justifying my action. In fact, I did that because I didn't have small change, just a $20 on me. I didn't send the money in because I felt a deep sense of moral obligation. I did it in the end because it was the right thing to do. I didn't believe that if I did it, things in my life that were going wrong would right themselves.
See, I came from a belief system that when you did good things, you were protected from bad things. If I was good, kind, took care of people, was loving, overtipped, etc. etc. that I wouldn't get sick, that I'd make money, that life would be good. When I found out that husband was out buying condoms and looking for 22 year olds to have sex with, and having violent, masochistic, cybersex with women on the internet, well then that theory was shot to hell. How could this happen to me? I'm a good person. I don't think that being a good person can protect you from the pain and suffering of life. So, why do we choose to be good? I don't know. My husband certainly didn't. He came from a similar belief system too, yet he still actively decided to stray and to cheat on me. He chose to be bad. And still, he doesn't have consequences. Sure, I'm angry at him, but he got away with it for 2 years and in the end, I didn't leave him. What good is being good? Why do good things happen to people who do bad things and vice-versa?
I have to figure out what the point in being good is. It didn't feel good to send the diner the money. It felt better to think that I'd gotten away with something. That felt good. Is that the same with husband? Was being with me better when he was getting away with something? Was cheating on me awesome because there's no real benefit to being good?
If I were following the blog formula, I'd have formulated an answer for the question, why be good? But I don't have an answer. I was a good a great wife and I got cheated on for 2 years. My goodness didn't come back to me. What's the point?
I don't know the answer to that, either, but then, its not necessarily our answer to know at this time.
ReplyDeleteAnd sometimes, what appears to be no consequence is not actually so; bad consequences usually do catch up with people who do bad things, eventually--- and then, there is always Karma. And sometimes, what at first looked like a bad thing ended up being a blessing in some other way, or something good came out of it, far, far--- Down the line.
I think its about having faith and living within the parameters of what one's conscious dictates and doing what we believe in. At least then, we can hold our heads up high and say that we truly did our best.
Sometimes when we think our higher power/God has forsaken us, I have come to discover, is when he/she was merely stirring the pot and conjuring up something very delicious down the line or teaching me a valuable lesson I could not have learned in any other way.
I bet you made that waitresses day! You did the right thing.
xo,
L