I'm premenstrual and depressed today. I still can't believe that my husband did what he did. I spoke to someone who wanted to help me through my step work yesterday. It mostly annoyed me. COSA is really hard for me. Sometimes, I don't want to empower myself. Sometimes, I want to sit in front of the television, drinking red wine, surfing the internet and zoning out. Sometimes I just can't fucking take it. The thing is, sitting around and trying to do things to make myself feel strong and powerful, journaling, blogging, exercising, and reading Patrick Carnes books, and whatever else I'm supposed to do to care of myself is hard. It takes a lot of work to figure out how to feel better. It takes virtually no work to sit around and do nothing but drink and read gossip blogs and watch lame ass TV. It makes me forget how much my husband hurt me, and how angry I am at him, and how much I sort of hate him, and how he betrayed me.
Husband is at a meeting now. He came home the other day with a 30 day chip. Wow, 30 days. That's nothing compared to how long he was communicating with other women.
Maybe tomorrow I'll work on myself. Tonight I have wine.
I keep wanting to say, but keep not saying, but really want to say, that I am right here most days. I want to stay in bed all day, eat nothing but kettle corn, cry and cry, talk and talk, not talk to anyone but him, never talk to him again, talk to him every five minutes, etc. They tell me it's normal and I guess I have to believe them. But it bites. Hard. I'm sorry you're going through it too, honey-honey. (But so glad he's getting help and you are too.) xoxo Jezebel
ReplyDeleteThanks Jez! It's hard stuff isn't it? Patience for all of us. Patience, patience, patience.
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