Life is difficult.
This is a great truth, one of the greatest truths*. It is a great truth because once we truly see this truth, we transcend it. Once we truly know that life is difficult – once we truly understand and accept it – then life is no longer difficult. Because once it is accepted, the fact that life is difficult no longer matters. - M. Scott Peck "The Road Less Traveled"
This is an important passage and I read it whenever I am feeling sad or desperate. We all suffer. Yet, I often believe that I shouldn't suffer, and that my suffering is so much worse than anyone else's. But, it's not true. We're all suffering together. And that's not all the time, but we go in and out of it, and we'll all suffer differently at different times.
I've been away from Husband for 48 hours, and I'm feeling nervous that he's not going to need me or love me anymore. It's weird. He's getting better and I'm feeling insecure. It makes me feel angry at him. I don't know how to navigate through all this. I feel a little more comfortable when I'm angry at him, despite the fact that anger is horribly uncomfortable for me. But when I'm angry at him, I feel safer. It gives me more control. When I'm angry at him, I don't need him. When I'm angry at him, I can ignore him and I can bask in the safety of him feeling terrified that I'm going to leave him, which will keep him with me.
I know that I need to find safety and security in me so that I don't need him to feel safe. But that's hard, you know? How do I do that? How do I completely be me without worrying about him, while still being interdependent as a couple?
I thought this was really interesting. It is called the Porn Paradox. Essentially, it is about how now that he's disclosed his transgressions he is free from the weight of the deception. Meanwhile, you are reeling and from trying to absorb such monumental betrayal. Just another thing to thank your hubby for.
ReplyDeletehttp://www.pornaddicthubby.com/WhyDoIFeelThisWay.html
I don't know about you, but the thought of my husband feeling better while I writhed in agony...just pissed me off even more. He doesn't deserve to feel better until I feel better.