I choose my own reactions. My husband was the one who went out and put profiles of himself and pictures of his penis all over the internet. However, I'm the one who began hating myself and feeling like he did it because I was fat and ugly and old. I am not old. I'm 36 years old. And I'm cute. And at 130 pounds, I'm definitely not fat. And I'm smart. My husband did this because his self esteem is in the gutter. I can be angry at him, I am angry at him, but my reaction can't be to hurt and hate on myself. It has to be to love myself more. To be more confident. To do the things I want to do with my life. I don't have to be down in the dumps all the time. I don't have to hate him.
However... hating him makes me less vulnerable. If I hate him, then he can't hurt me again. It feels better somehow.
Wow Laney, you are SOOOO where I am right now. I want to love my husband so much - but I need to love myself more.
ReplyDeleteIf we're ever going to love anybody, we need to love ourselves first... but it's really, really hard to do when we're listening to the "voices" coming out of our loved ones' addictions. We need to hear voices of Love.
Hugs for you, Laney.