How do I become Me again?

I've been thinking for the past few days about who I want to be. It's all confusing because I feel that since I have been with my husband, I've been less myself. It's something that I haven't wanted to admit, but it's true somewhat. I've gotten lazy in a sense because I felt so secure with him. To be fair, I've also started a business that's taken up all of my time and my work is tiring, so when I'm not working, I'm zoning out in front of the computer. For the past two years, while husband was doing his acting out behaviors, I began to just zone out myself. I'd pour myself a glass of wine and sit in front of the TV in the evening, laptop on lap, semi watching TV, semi surfing the net (for what? I don't know) and semi getting drunk. All of it was shutting me down. We discussed this, husband and I, when all of his SA stuff came to light. I'd be waiting for him in bed, and he wouldn't come in, so I'd take a sleeping pill and pass out with the TV on. If I called for him to come to bed, he got annoyed. So I stopped. It was hard for me to have him so distant and disconnected from me. I was depressed, so I did the only thing that I could think to do, I distanced myself from him. I took wine and sleeping pills and passed out. A few hours later, at 2 or 3am, he'd come into our bedroom, change his underwear and come to bed. When I asked him why he was changing his underwear, he said he had sweaty balls. Yeah right.
Anyway, after all his acting out behaviors came to light, we began to try to do things different. I stopped turning the TV off and realized that I escape too much into the internet. And honestly, I barely look at anything on the internet. I peruse the NY Times, I look at a few gossip blogs, I read about the newest weight loss fad, I look at facebook (which mostly annoys the hell out of me) and I answer work email . I barely answer friend emails because there is this big secret between us. I have been so depressed and isolating from my friends. It's just too much to talk about. Which is so sad because part of me losing me, is me losing my friends. I've been feeling disconnected for quite a while now. Drinking wine at night and watching TV makes me disconnected. The other thing is that I project a perfect life and people think my life is perfect. I thought it was too and now it's all falling apart. I thought it would be awful to let people know that it's not perfect, but it's actually kind of a relief, for those who know. I'm depressed a lot. Not only just because husband is a sex addict, but also because our money situation is bad. We have almost $45,000.00 in debt (this doesn't include a house), we can't seem to get pregnant, and my husband spent two years having cyber sex relationships with woman (or 14 year old boys and old men- who knows) who weren't me, and putting up ads to try and meet up with women who weren't me. THIS IS NOT MY FUCKING FAULT. I am a hot lady. I am sexy, smart and fabulous. I am quite brilliant actually. And, if I might say so myself, I'm pretty fucking hot. In fact, I should go out and make out with a boy the way I used to. But I've not done that in six years. But boy, was it fun when I used to. But husband and I are trying to work through this, and so I can't do those things. As much as I want to.
But I digress.
If I am so fucking fabulous, than why am I sitting around being depressed and surfing the net? I know I said that I used to do that, but I still do that. I'm kind of addicted to the internet. I don't think that blogging counts as internet addiction, because this is me trying to work through my shit. This is positive. Outer circle behavior they'd call it in COSA. If I am so fabulous, why am I stuck in this rut of being depressed that I'm not pregnant, being depressed that my husband did the fucked up shit that he did, being depressed and thinking that I'm fat, ugly, and old (at 36, which I think is not old), and spacing out in front of the internet pretty much all day long. WTF?
Because for some reason, I need to spend hours looking for the perfect tight, bellbottom jeans to squeeze my lovely, curvy ass into. I need to spend an hour a day on the treadmill, I need to look for the best low carb diet to go on so that I can be sexy and skinny for my dipshit husband. I can't even tell you how many times in just the course of writing this post I've gotten up and gone into the refrigerator or looked at Shopstyle
I mean, for real. It's so odd. Husband always told me that he wasn't attracted to other women and didn't even look at attractiveness levels in people and didn't understand it. I sort of thought that he might be on the autistic spectrum. The truth was, he was lying. He was afraid to find people attractive, so he had to take it out on the internet and try to act like a douchy guy on the internet, while I just wanted so badly for him to tell me that I was pretty. He never did. He's trying now. I really began to not like myself. Think I wasn't good enough before I found out about the SA, because he was so neglectful. I kept asking him, "are you not attracted to me?" "I am," he would tell me. He might well have been, but he was getting his needs met somewhere else and I was not getting any needs met, so I met them with wine and ambien. Or unisom.
But now, I have to remember who I am. What do I need? What do I want? Who did I think I was before husband? Who did I think I was before we started trying to have a baby?
I thought I was a writer. But now I no longer write. I thought I had a serious spiritual and meditation practice. Now I don't meditate or do yoga ever. I thought I had a lot of friends. Now, I don't talk to people. WHERE THE FUCK DID I GO? AND HOW DO I FIND MYSELF AND GET MYSELF BACK?

I am not a fucking object full of eggs. I'm an awesome lady with a great ass, exquisite tits, and a sharp as knives wit and a brilliant mind. But I'm wasting all that shit just sitting around doing nothing.

So what do I want?

1.) I want to finish book #2
2.) I want to finish super-secret project that I've been working on for years.
3.) I want to read more.
4.) I want to do projects, like sew clothes and learn to play some musical instruments like guitar and saxaphone and piano.
5.) I want to learn to play tennis for fun
6.) I want to meditate more and pray more and channel more and reestablish my relationship with God as I know her to be.
7.) I want relationship with husband to be kick ass, where we are connected. I know that husband is willing. I am too. But we're so used to being so disconnected that it's tough.
8.) I want to reconnect to friends.
9.) I want to get back into writing short stories and begin to submit them to journals.

How the fuck do I do all this? I certainly have the luxury of time. I don't work a ton, especially now that work is going down hill. I work less than 25-30 hours a week.

I guess that the first part is giving up the disconnecting so that I can connect. Probably that means letting go of wine. Ugh. I can't tell you how many times I've said that. I am so addicted. I am probably an alcoholic. A typical, yuppie, housewife, hyper-functional alcoholic. I use wine to numb me. I don't want to give it up. It's like my best friend. But maybe instead of saying I'm going to give up alcohol, I have to welcome in reconnecting.

Reconnecting means not spending more than one full hour (combined) a day fucking around on the internet. It means not getting sucked into fantasies of winning the lottery or spending a ridiculous amount of time filling out sweepstakes- another one of my addictions. As much as husband would escape into reality, so would I.

So, how do I do this? I guess it starts with my relationship with myself. I think that I start by waking up and meditating in the morning. First things first. Then, perhaps do a little channelling, then make a list of things that I want to accomplish that day, and make time for friends, journal, blog posts, work and play and create some time for other fun things.

I would say that I need to get more into my COSA program, but I'm not really into my COSA program. I am very interested in figuring out my codependent traits, but COSA is triggering all my shit. I feel inferior to a lot of the women in there, like they don't like me and I'm not good enough for them, and superior to others. It's all shit that I need to work through in therapy. I don't know that I want to do 12 steps. If I do, I'll do them with my blog, right here. Not with a sponsor. I can't deal with anyone telling me what to do. I can't deal with character defects. I don't believe in them. I think we're all just works in progress. So, if I can believe that, I can sometimes even feel that way for my husband before I get angry at him for betraying me. But it's all so hard.

Step One. I admit that I am powerless against my need to check out.

Tomorrow morning, meditate, make list. That's it for now.