Boundaries

Today at my COSA meeting and we talked about boundaries. Now, here's the thing, everyone discussed how they were having trouble creating clear boundaries with parents, husbands, friends.

Husband and I definitely have trouble with boundaries, but rather than diffuse boundaries (that very codie sticky i don't know where I end and you begin), we have very, very, rigid boundaries. I think it's the same issue, but played out in a different way. See, husband and I both grew up in households with very diffuse boundaries. My mother beat me and tried to control me. She was a codie herself -- (Grandpa was an alcoholic as was her very married boyfriend of 25 years). My mom was so in love with me that she just couldn't let go of me, so she tried to control me with name calling, insults, physical abuse, criticism, and massively unhealthy overprotection. Husband's Mom is just a crazy mess, she tries to control everyone in orbit in the most insidious way. I hate her, in case I've not mentioned it before. Anyway, growing up with these very diffuse boundaries has caused husband and I to have very rigid boundaries. We don't tell anyone anything. Very few friends and no family members know that he's an SA or about what we're going through. We've told very few people about our fertility issues. And, for crying out loud, we didn't even tell anyone that we bought a house until after it closed. We are both so self protective. And, in our own relationship, I think that we can tend to be sneaky and self protective with each other. Obviously husband was with his SA acting out behaviors. But I can be sneaky with money, and also with food. Not so much about overeating, I always tell him when I overeat, but I also do a lot of telling him that I've eaten when I haven't. I also don't tell him if I've drank a glass or two of wine. I mostly don't tell him if I buy a new dress or new pants. Though, I don't know why, it's not like he gets mad. But I think that it's because we both grew up with these overprotective, overcritical mothers who judged everything we did. So in order to do what we want to do, we have to be sneaky. It seems that in order for me and husband to have a better relationship, we should have a no-secrets policy and recognize when we have the urge to hide something from the other. We're good to each other. We don't have to worry about being hurt by the other if one doesn't like something the other does.