Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Senseless Snacking
I have spent the day eating. Overeating. Or eating too much. Or maybe not overeating, but eating when I'm not hungry and eating things that I shouldn't be eating. Like a brownie at 4pm. Or a brownie then another one at 4:01pm. Don't get me wrong, I'm not anti brownies. But under doctor's orders, I'm not supposed to be eating sugar for insulin resistance purposes (PCOS). But I didn't talk to husband all day and it made me sad and nervous. I won't call him. Because I want him to know how much I hate him. But when he goes too long without checking in with me, I feel bad. He called at 3:54 and I didn't answer. I called him back 6 minutes later and ate the brownie while I was on the phone with him. I decided not to yell at him or be mean to him or tell him how much his behavior hurt me or how broken I feel. It was the first time since I caught him that I didn't tell him how much pain he's caused me. But instead of telling him all this for the 10 millionth time, I chose to binge on brownies while I spoke to him. It made me feel worse.
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Aw, don't beat yourself up too badly, honey-honey. God knows we all have our two-brownie days.
ReplyDeleteAnd good for you, for all the self-awareness you are bringing to your behavior—the anxiety that arises when he doesn't check in, the anger you feel that makes you distance yourself. Your only task right now is to watch it all fly past, and you are doing an AMAZING job. Since both you and I only got disclosure in May, I think we are EFFING HEROES!
Your post makes me realize how I often avoid my addict in order to "punish" him. It also makes me think of the Al-Anon "Just for Today" slogans that we say at the beginning of every meeting—including "Just for today...I will not show anyone that my feelings are hurt; they may be hurt, but today I will not show it." It's a very interesting suggestion to practice (carefully)—as long as we don't stuff our feelings and get bitter/resentful. Tricky business, this recovery stuff. And tiring, at times. Strength to you—
Thanks Jez! I have to go back through and read your May posts. I have been reading your older ones (from the beginning). I didn't realize that there was more disclosure in May.
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