Our psychologist said something interesting today in couples counseling. I was talking about how I used to perpetuate this myth of husband, that he was just so evolved, which was why he never looked at other women or thought of people on their levels of attractiveness or judged people like that. And that now I have to accept that he's human, he does fucked up things and that he's got issues, and that he can be just as big of a douche-bag as any other dude. Anyway, our shrink said that I needed to believe that he was that way. I think he's right. In order to feel safe, I needed to believe that husband had no interest in other women and husband let me believe it.
See, I've got one hell of an attachment disorder. I'm very insecurely attached. Each night, as I fall asleep, i pray that husband won't get a horrible disease and die. I am very scared of husband dying, or of me dying, or of our kitty cat dying. It's really hard for me. Nights feel especially hard. I feel so raw and so afraid. Like God has something horrible in store. And I pray and pray and pray for God to protect me, husband and kitty cat. Last night I gave up praying for us to get pregnant, and began to pray that we would just be happy for once and live long happy lives. I'm afraid of everything. But mostly I'm afraid of being alone. Since I found out what husband has been doing, I've felt so alone. So depressed.
And I have to admit, I have an addiction to sleeping pills. Anything that can put me out at night, I want close to me. Be it Benadryl, or melatonin, or unisom, or Ambien... anything that can knock me out at night so I don't have to be in that scary place is what I crave. I wish I didn't. I wish I could sleep on my own. But nothing is worse than being awake and afraid. Even if I wake in the middle of the night to pee, I'm terrified. Terrified of horrible things happening, of husband dying, of getting lost at sea, of someone breaking in, of husband getting hit by a car, of me getting into a car accident. I think it's all connected. Husband pretended that he was totally solid for me. Then came in all the fucking lies.
I am very, very far from forgiving him, and I'm still full of rage. But I'm willing to look at it a little bit more closely now.
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ReplyDeleteBefore I found out about my husband's addiction I used to have a recurring nightmare about him. In the nightmare, I'd dream that one ordinary day, out of the blue, he would tell me that he was done with our relationship. His attitude was very casual and disaffected by my emotional turmoil that the sudden loss of our relationship wrought. In the nightmare I would cry, moan and beg him to tell me why he was leaving me. His answers were always similar in that he would just say that he was done and wanted new women to bed.
ReplyDeleteI would wake from these nightmares with an overwhelming feeling of unease. They were the kind of nightmares that seem so real that the feelings from them didn't leave until I had been awake for many hours.
I would tell my husband about them and he would say that there was nothing to fear and that he wished I wouldn't dream that stuff.
In reality, he had already left me for new ladies via porn. I think back on those nightmares and wonder how I knew before I knew.
After D-day, In real life I felt exactly as distraught and confounded as I did in those nightmares. It was actually worse, more intense and it didn't subside for many months.
However, I suppose the silver lining is that I no longer have those nightmares. I no longer have the same dreams of having a life and a family with my husband. The death throws of that relationship and those dreams were some of the most painful experiences of my life. I am getting better though. I have new dreams, or rather I am pursuing alternate dreams that I gave up for the sake of my marriage. Things are getting better for me now. They will get better for you too
Oh my god, I had the same exact nightmares, that my husband was cheating on me or leaving me for another woman. Then I'd wake up all freaked out and he'd hold me and tell me that he'd never cheat on me. HAH! What a fucking liar. Those dreams seem to be going away for me too though now.
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