Bitter

God, I'm so bitter. It upsets me. I feel like my mother. A bitter unhappy woman. She hated my father, and now I hate my husband. I never thought I'd end up like this. I was never like this. I've never been bitter. I've always been, well, sort of a Pollyanna. But I wonder how Pollyanna would have played the Glad Game had she found out that her old man was trying to fuck 18 year olds in the ass. Anyway, this Pollyanna doesn't like it at all. I never, ever, ever expected this from my husband. In fact, just two weeks before I found out what he was doing, a friend of mine came to visit. I was telling her that my marriage was the easiest and my consistent and secure thing in my life. I told her that I never worried about my husband cheating because he's "just not built that way." That's exactly what I said. I was really, really, really blindsided. I do love husband and I love being with him. He's very sweet and loving. He's very regretful and says he's crazy about me and wants to save our marriage, wants to save us. I don't know what to believe. Does he say this because he was caught? I am unsure. I feel fat. Of course I do. I always feel fat when I'm insecure. Fat's not a feeling. And I know I'm not. But I feel too short, fat, old, and ugly for him. When did I get old? I'm 36. I used to be 18, but I don't think that he'd want to fuck me then. I was a hot mess. I smoked, I drank, I smoked a lot of pot, I was needy and desperate. Ugh. Why 18 year olds? Why? Why? Why? Why? How could he do this to me? We have the relationship that people covet. People say they wish that could have a relationship like mine. I wish I could have a relationship like the way I thought my relationship was. I don't know what to do anymore. When the fuck will I feel better?