It's called Xanax. Husband had some lying around the house for his panic attacks. Oh, my sex addict husband has panic attacks? SHOCKING. Anyway, I flew into a blind rage with my anger yesterday. I found a sore on my lady parts. A painful sore that all of a sudden appeared. I have no history of herpes or anything. I have HPV, but that's been there since before husband. Anyway, husband came home from his meeting and I almost beat the crap out of him. But he has a pretty good block. Every time I tried to hit him, he blocked it. Very annoying. And eventually my hand got hurt. He assured me over and over that he never had sex with anyone. I had made him get complete STD testing despite his assurances. So, we're still waiting for the results. I was freaking out in the morning about the day a few years ago when I found a craigslist casual encounter ad on his computer. It was actually saved/downloaded. I wasn't looking for anything, but I was just using his computer to print something out and it came up when I launched MS word. Anyway, I called him and was like, "what the fuck? why do you have an ad downloaded on your computer?"
"I know that you must be mad," he said, "sometimes I like to look at the ads because they're erotic and they turn me on..."
"you're not responding to them? " I asked him.
"no, of course not."
"because you know that if you ever cheated on me I'd leave you."
"yes, of course. I'd never cheat on you."
LIES!!!! FUCKING LIES AGAIN! And I fucking believed him. I fucking believed him. And I was so angry at him for lying to me and making me doubt my own instincts and I was made to believe that I was fucking crazy. I totally trusted him, so I doubted myself and my instincts instead of him. FUCK! How the fuck can I believe anything? How the fuck can I believe a fucking word he says.
Anyway, I was so enraged and had so much work to do. So I took half a xanax. And it totally calmed me down. Then I took the other half before bed and had one the of the best nights of sleep that I've had in a month and a half since I found out about his crap.
But, as I know, it's very easy for a solution to become a problem.
So, sweet xanax, I appreciate the time we spent together yesterday. It was quite lovely. But I'm unable to get to know you as well as I'd like to because I don't think we'd have a very healthy relationship. And, I don't want to be a pill popping Stepford wife who
is totally shut down and calm in order to deal with husband's shortcomings. But, unfortunately, it does sound somewhat appealing.
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