Which is disappointing and I guess it can also be liberating. When husband and I became husband and wife, I had a plan. Age 32- kid #1. Age 34- kid #2. Age 36-kid#3. House. Car. Fancy Peg Perego Stroller. Well, here I am, age 36. No kids, no house, one Toyota Corolla, and obviously no stroller. Things didn't turn out the way I expected them to. As we've been going through our fertility issues, the one thing that has kept me going is, "at least I have awesome husband. No one is as lucky as me to have such an amazing man..."
I was living in a fairy tale-- perpetuated by me.
But maybe now I can learn to live without plans. But truthfully, I ache. I ache not for what I lost, but for what I never had. For what I expected. For what I believed in. My marriage, my future. But nothing is guaranteed. So, what do I do now? I guess I live with it. Isn't that step one? Admitted we were powerless against fucking everything....
From my experience I'd say don't rush yourself to a place of peace and understanding. If you can work with a therapist to dig into the fear and pain you will discover things about yourself that help you though and help you come out stronger.
ReplyDeleteFeel your feelings and then say what is there to be said, or cry or yell or scream or whatever. Be unreasonable. Be angry. I didn't do enough of this, and I think those unexpressed feelings are part of what I'm still dealing with.
Above all, take care of yourself. Learning to do this was and continues to be so valuable. (I'm still learning.)