Last night I was telling husband that he's really a good man. He did some pretty fucked up shit, but he's a good, good, good man. I'm grateful for SAA and his recovery and how much better he's feeling.
Myself, I feel better too. But I'm not into COSA. And I'm not into my own therapist anymore and I'm not into couples counseling. I'm continuing to feel pathologized in co-dependency. Yup. I have codie traits. That's for sure. And my mom was a full on codependent. The more I think about it and the more I sit in meetings, the more I realize that I don't belong there and it's not what I need.
It's been 4 1/2 months since I found out what my husband was doing and I mostly feel okay. I've not necessarily forgiven or forgotten, but I've found a great deal of peace. And I'm almost beginning to trust him again. I feel that we're certainly past our crisis stage and the pain has dissipated quite a bit. I understand that people usually return to their baseline level of functioning after a crisis. And that is something that has kept me feeling pretty calm over the years, as my baseline feels mostly calm and happy the majority of the time. I did choose well in terms of husband. He messed up. That's true. But he's making ammends. I don't want someone to be perfect, but I demand integrity. And I think that he has it. I hesitate to be lulled into a sense of false safety. So I continue to hold him a bit separate. However, it finally is beginning to feel right again. And better than it used to.
I have to admit I just barely found your blog and haven't been able to read through the archives -- but, I want to add a word of caution as someone who has been fighting sex addiction for 20 years (I'm only 35). I think it's amazing that your husband has responded well to SAA, and I truly pray that he is well into his recovery. Every person is different, so it's quite possible he has been able to put the addiction behind him. Having said that, I participated in ALL of the activities you said your husband was doing. I had moments of strength and moments of weakness. I've been actively trying to overcome my addiction for as long as I can remember. 12-step meetings. Therapists. In-patient treatment. You name it. But I am still very much in my addiction, and I while I've told my wife a lot, she doesn't know about recent behaviors. As a husband, I don't want to hurt her again. I pretend I'm doing well and that everything is perfect. I'm cured! Or at least I'm doing better. She doesn't know the real fight I'm still fighting. She doesn't know I'm still acting out. So while I pray your husband is as strong as he says he is, don't get complacent. Don't trust he's doing what he says he is. I mean, you need to have trust for a marriage to work, but he's going to have to prove himself for a lot longer than 5 months. It's tempting to relax and feel comfortable with where things are, but don't. Just my thoughts. I wish you all the best.
ReplyDeleteBrian, Thanks for your comment. Yes, it's tempting to want to put this all behind us and to become complacent. But I don't think that's what we're doing. I'm hoping that he isn't relapsing and of course that he doesn't, but my complacency or lack of it is not something that can control that. I can't do anything if he does it or if he doesn't. For me it's about taking care of myself and trying to be good in my marriage.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad that you are focusing on you and your needs. I too keep my self a bit guarded when it comes to the alcoholics in my life. I don't entirely become complacent.
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