Monday, September 6, 2010
bored...
I was talking to husband this morning about how much I dislike everything in life right now. How I have no interests and no intellectual curiosity. It's like, we have people over for dinner and I look forward to pouring wine and drinking it. We go to a wedding and I am looking forward to sipping champagne and mingling. But the idea of mingling without sipping is excruciating. I don't know what I like anymore. I think about how I come home from work in the evening looking forward to my evening glass of wine. I am sick of introspecting. I haven't drank today, but I've been bored and I've been acting out with food. Husband is trying to be supportive. I don't give a shit anymore. I just don't know what I like. I don't know what makes me happy. I am totally sick of what I do for a living. I am sick of holding everyone else's shit and pain and taking care of them and worrying about them. I am sick of coming home and not being able to take care of myself. I am sick of being a perfect mingler. I am sick of me. I don't know what I like. I am so disinterested in conversations with people. I am sick of being far from my family. I am bored. I hate our friends here. I hate being a Psychologist. I am bored. I am disenchanted and I am restless. I hate being a fucking yuppie. Of course I slipped into fantasy with young & strapping. I needed something to distract me from the fact that I'm totally fucking bored. I hate that my husband has no sperm. I hate our stupid yuppie life. I hate how we all sit around and taste wine as a facade for the fact that we're all alcoholics. But we are allowed to drink in the afternoon because it's an expensive bottle. WTF? Is there more to life? I hate how every recovering alcoholic decides that drinking is a better life than not drinking. But what's it all worth? I don't know what I want. I don't know what I need. I am lonely. I am bored. I am sad. And I feel gross for acting out with food all day. I don't know how all my food issues snuck up on me again. And I'm gaining weight now. I've been consuming and consuming and consuming. And I want to stop. Husband gets better and I get sicker. It's so sad.
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You're a psychologist? Sorry, I must sound like a condescending idiot.
ReplyDeleteBut why stop now??? LOL
All of this is great. Do you see it??? Its all about you and NOT your h and not Y&S... Its about YOU and the things that you don't like and since you are tired of holding other people's shit, allow me to hold yours for a bit.
1)your job
2)your friends
3)where you live
4)your "boring" life
5)your drinking
6)your eating
7)being far away from your family
8)your sadness
9)your loneliness
10)your yuppie lifestyle
What I did not hear, was one complaint about your h. Isn't this all about him, sweetie???
How were you before D-day???
If these were issues then, then they are still issues, but if they are issues associated with trauma then they are issues that are associated with trauma and are probably temporary.
In any case, you are depressed and rightly so. You've had a huge load of shit dumped into your lap and it sounds like you are stuffing it down with liquor, food, vapid friends and hot army boys.
Dump your wino friends. Take an exercise class instead or do something that blows your hair back.
Visit your family.
Take a vacation.
Thank you...That'll be $5.00 please. :)
Oh! If you've never seen this... please... its an absolute pisser!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BYLMTvxOaeE&feature=related
When I feel those things about job, friends, parties, life style, I figure out something that I like to do. I make changes. I do stuff just for me that will intrigue and interest me. Just a thought.
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