Cabbage

I somehow just managed to down a pound of cabbage and an apple for lunch. There's something about the Jewish holidays that fills me to the brim with bagels and cookies which does something to my intestines akin to brick and mortar. I went to Whole Foods with the intention of getting something healthy for lunch, like a wrap! But I saw a pound of shredded cabbage wrapped in cellophane and my mouth began to water. I try to take those bodily cues when I get them, so a pound of coleslaw and an apple it was.

Husband spent Saturday morning in services with me for Yom Kippur. I'm not some kind of super jew. In fact, I've not done anything for the Jewish Holidays since I lived at home, so, it's been a while. But, it always leaves me feeling flat, sad, and lonely, disconnected. So, this year I decided that I really needed to pray. I did a lot of going to Ashrams and Buddhist temples, and meditation retreats, because that's where I thought I belonged. But somehow, returning to synagogue is what made me really happy. It's where I felt like I belonged. The spiritual/new agey community here on this coast is where I thought I belonged. But it almost feels like competitive yoga, extreme silent meditation retreats, and a serious lack of joy. This isn't something that's super attractive to me. Although, I'd say that 90% of the people in those communities are Jewish. I need the Jewish community. It's one of the few places in life where I felt like I belonged. The problem is, husband is Catholic. So, without him, it will not feel as community-ish. He didn't go to any other services with me this holiday season, but he spent 4 hours on Saturday morning in Yom Kippur services. And for that I give him huge props. But he was confused. Lots of sitting, standing, and Hebrew. And I thought it would be easy and nice for him because it was a reform/reconstructionist congregation. Nothing like the Conservative, somber, boring all in Hebrew services that I had to go to as a kid.
We of course spoke about religion before we got married. But in practice it's weird. I'd been avoiding my faith for the years since we've been married. My faith was in him. In fact, I even made a Christmas this past year with a Christmas Tree. But my faith wasn't in my husband or in my marriage this year. I needed someplace else to feel welcome, to feel love, to feel community. Husband has his SAA meetings and I fucking hate COSA with a deep passion.
I need something bigger, something outside of myself to feel secure and to feel loved unconditionally. That's normal, that's human. That's what we're supposed to get from our parents. Husband is trying and working his program. But I don't trust his love for me. I trust his need for me. But not his love. I still don't understand how he could have done this to me if he loved me. I know it's not about it. I get that. But I also understand that all of my actions affect husband, so I try to consider him before I do what I do. After I found out about his 2 years of unfaithfulness, I stopped considering him. But that was too painful. But I have to consider myself. I don't know how this is going to play out. I don't know how I'm going to get what I need when what I need is so drastically different than what he needs. I want love, safety, community and security. The sex addict and partner of sex addict recovery world does not resonate for me. The psychospiritual community does not do it for me either. Judaism is what has been pulling me in more and more. How do I do this and still make my marriage strong? I don't want to pull away from Husband to make this happen for me, I want him to be a part of this, I want a family and a bigger family. But it's not his culture or safety zone. I don't know how to negotiate this.