Things That I Love About My Husband and Things that I Hate About My Husband

Barring the sex addiction, I married one of the greatest men in the world. And I'm absolutely fruity about him. Really. It's true. Finding out about his sex addiction has been one of the hardest things I've ever had to deal with. Mostly because I was so fucking in love with him and thought that he was the kind of guy who could never, ever, ever do something like this.  So it's painful. And it has turned me into a very jealous and very suspicious person. It's also turned me into a woman who feels very unattractive and fears getting older.  I never feared getting older until I found out that Husband was trying to have sex with 18-22 year olds. Gross!  Now I understand that it's just fantasy, and something about pornography has told men that 30 year-old-women are actually 18 year old women so they have an unrealistic idea of what teenage girls look like. But still, ick!

I watched my very beautiful mother die young (she was 54) and for that reason, I've always believed that getting older was a blessing. Now that my Mommy is dead, and my husband is a sex addict, I have these awful fears about growing into an undesirable older woman as my husband continues to become more and more handsome. He really is. Whereas I used to get a lot of attention from men, he is now getting a lot of attention from women. I don't get as much attention from men these days. It could be the 9 months pregnant belly. I've had a lot of anxiety about my looks during this pregnancy. The worst part about it is that I'm a Psychologist who has written a book on body image. I know. It's paradoxical. It's an internal conflict that I've been dealing with for a long time. I've probably been dealing with it my whole life, but it was triggered heavily a year and a half ago. 
Believe me, I know everything I need to know intellectually about looks. Jesus Christ I counsel women on this issue every day. Yet I am riddled with self-disdain. It's so, so very painful. I try not to get angry at myself for it. I understand this psychologically, but it's like a doctor who gets angry at himself for getting sick. We're just not immune. To fucking anything.

But I digress. This isn't even where I meant to go with this post. I meant to discuss our money situation.  I love my husband because he's kind, compassionate, insightful, nurturing, loving, sexy, sweet, a genius, and he is doing so much self work. He still goes to two 12 step meetings each week, plus he goes to therapy twice a month, plus he goes to a feedback group which he shows up for each and every week no matter what. His recovery, our relationship, me and our growing family are very important to him. So that's fantastic. But... Husband does not make very much money. And we are struggling. I didn't think that at 37 years old (he 39) and with two graduate degrees between us, that we'd be having to eat pasta at night and figure out how to afford groceries, and now diapers, and all sorts of other things. It depresses me. It makes me mad. And it spills over into other parts of our lives.
This non-aggressive quiet, gentle man, who hid behind the safety of a computer, being all sorts of violent and abusive to people via cyber sex.
I don't want to complain. But we're struggling. And that's just hard.