Sunday, June 19, 2011
The Problem with Sex Addiction
The big fucking problem with sex addiction is that you don't trust it. Husband has been "clean" for 13 months now. But I'm still nervous. We talk about how I still don't trust him. He says he doesn't expect me to. It's hard, being almost 6 months pregnant. I am feeling fat and unattractive and my husband has not been initiating sex. It makes me lonely and it makes me sad. I want to feel attractive despite my expanding ass and swollen belly. But husband has never been voraciously attacking of me. I wish he were. I feel very unwanted. He is not the type to initiate sex. And right now I feel neglected. It's interesting. He's so pathologically self-sufficient that when he gets horny I'm not the first thing he goes to. He turns to masturbation. It didn't used to be like that, long ago when we were first together. But it became like that and became compulsive. He is going to meetings and talking to his sponsor daily. But I still feel afraid that he's going to turn to his computer or someone else for fulfillment. Being pregnant is amazing, and I love it. But I hate feeling so fucking unattractive.
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Hi Laney,
ReplyDeleteI'm so happy to hear from you! Your husband's not paying enough attention to you is about him, not you. I'm sure you know that, already, but I think it bears repeating.
As for how you "feel"... I remember feeling fat and really gross too and I hated being pregnant. (most of the time) A few years ago, when both my kids were teenagers, I happened on some pics that my husband had taken of me when I was seven months pregnant and I didn't look fat at all... I looked like a fucking porn star with real D cup boobs (for the first time in my life!) with a rounded belly. I was fucking gorgeous and I'm sure that you are as well! And furthermore, I bet your husband thinks so too! I mean, you're carrying his friggin baby, for christ's sake; what could be sexier?
My concern is that if things are like this now, it is only going to get worse after the baby comes. Then, BOTH of you will most likely feel neglected, because as I'm sure that you know... taking care of new born baby is intense. For me, being more like your husband, I didn't care if my husband didn't touch me so much. I wasn't very attracted to him, by then,anyway, but I loved him very, very much. But, you're more normal than I am, in that regard, so I understand your feelings.
Keep talking about things... Its tough, but if you don't tell him how you feel, he will never get it. He might also have trepidations about hurting the baby or something. That's very common, but an unwarranted fear unless there's a medical reason and even then, there are things you can do to be close.
All best wishes-- into the home stretch!!! So exciting and I'm so happy for you!
Lexie
Hi Laney,
ReplyDeleteI'm new to your blog-thank you for having me.
I remember feeling so unattractive when I was pregnant all three times and all three times was amazed to find out just how hot we really and truly are when we are pregnant. Men think so too, but, like Lexie said - sometimes guys fear hurting the baby, add that to having a hard time with communication, SA, focusing on sobriety and it can become quite overwhelming for the two of you.
If he's open to talking to you about it, let him know how you're feeling. My husband wasn't one to initiate sex either until a month or two into sobriety and it's still kind of awkward for him. Almost like a high school kid not knowing how to start with the intimacy side.
I wish you all the best with your pregnancy!!
Hi Laney.
ReplyDeleteI just stumbled on your blog today, after working on my own. I've been dealing with my husband's sex addiction for 6 years now, 7 if you don't count the year before our marriage. I've been in the very insecure place of pregnancy, just as you are now, a few times. I don't have any advice to give you, like the other women do. I've been reading your blog, and I can identify with alot. You probably have alot of friends who you can connect with about this subject, but I know alot of times I feel completely alone. I wish you so much good with your pregnancy, and I pray you and your husband can recover together.
Much Love,
Felicity
http://notacosa.blogspot.com
Laney,
ReplyDeleteI am a producer of a new talk show in New York and we are looking for people who might speak to us about their experience with sex addiction. We hope that by you sharing your story you may impact a viewer watching who is in the same situation. Please call or email me should you care to talk. We appreciate your openness! Anthony
nyctalkguest@gmail.com
212-419-7473
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
ReplyDeleteI've been trying to decide where to begin my response and simply decided on this latest post. I found out about my husband's addiction the same weekend you did, ironically, but I've since learned of a relapse and I've started to blog about it to try to cope since I'm not ready to go back into therapy. I feel so alone and like I can't talk to anyone about this.
ReplyDeleteThank you for your posts. I'm going to be reading through your blog and I'm grateful it's here. Hopefully by getting our experiences out there we can help keep women who still love their husbands from feeling so alone.