So, pregnancy is not as smooth as I had imagined it would be. The husband is saying his serenity prayer over and over and I'm doing it once in a while. I've been bleeding and spotting since week five and I've had a few big bleeds that have landed me in the hospital. Turns out I have a subchorionic hematoma.
God I'm fucking pissed. I mean, I would really, really, really like to have some gratitude here. And I mostly do, but this is my fucking secret ass blog where I fucking vent all of my secret ass feelings. So fucking sue me if I fucking whine for a few minutes.
It's unfucking fair that I suffered through years of infertility because of my husband's lack of sperm.
It's unfucking fair that he spent all of his time on the internet prowling for 18 year old slutty girls to fuck for years and I didn't know it. I'm a mother fucking psychologist for crying the fuck out loud. You would think I had some goddamned insight into my isolator/codependent husband. Now, it's fucking unfair that when some good shit starts to happen, it's tinged with this scary shit. What the fuck God? What the fuck?
Okay I'm done now. And though part of me is fucking pissed, I'm mostly grateful. And my heart is breaking for those who are suffering in Japan, and they are in my prayers.
The husband is busy working on his first step. It's unnerving because he's spending a lot of time up late working on it and I try to get to bed early because of said pregnancy and the fact that I'm on first trimester bed rest. I'm also on pelvic rest, so no sex for my sex addict husband. Nor for me. I can't go running, I can't have sex. I have very little to calm me down. I'm overeating junk and I'm putting on weight. Not pregnant weight. Fat weight. Oh well. Again, it's okay.
I chatted with the husband the other night about how much I hate him being awake and in the other room while I am in bed. I reminds me of when he was acting out and I was told that he was up late "studying."
Oh well. That's me for now. I'll keep updating.
xo,
L
Hi Laney, I'm so sorry that you're having a hard time. It really does suck that you're going through this after all that's gone before. I don't know you but your blog has helped me, so although it's a bit odd as a stranger to say that I'm thinking of you... am sending you loads of get well vibes and good wishes for your pregnancy. Take care of yourself, you've done so well this far and you've got people around the world on your side :)
ReplyDeleteAll the best, 'Julia' x
(((hugs))) Laney. I'm hear listening... I can't offer much else at this time, as my lot in life is not something that could give an expectant mother much solace, I'm afraid. But, I'm thinking of you... and wishing you well.
ReplyDeletexo ~ Lexie
Thank you both so much. It means so much to me to have people out there listening. So sweet.
ReplyDeleteI am praying for you, Laney. I know you said you're on bed rest and you must be bored to tears. You can only watch so many movies, I know...
ReplyDeleteWhat keeps me sane is music....have your friends buy you a few iTunes gift cards and get some music that soothes your frazzled nerves.
Can you Skype...? Although we don't know each other IRL, I would be willing to "talk" if you needed.
{{hugs}}
I hope that all goes well with your pregnancy. Take care.
ReplyDeletethinking of you... and hoping that things have stabilized. xo ~ L
ReplyDeleteI thank god I didn't have to go through pregnancy with a sex addict. Stress during pregnancy is not a good thing. Eeesh. I'm not even sure what to say to bring you comfort, except please do everything you can to care for yourself and your baby.
ReplyDeleteIs it at all possible for your husband to be in the same room while he "studies"?