Compassion, finally.

Last night, Husband and I were cuddling in bed and he looked at me and said, "I love you," and I looked at him and sighed and said, "it's so sad that I just don't look at you the way I used to. I hate that. I used to look at you so adoringly. But now, it's wrought with so much anger, so much distrust, and so much confusion. You're just not the person I thought you were and I hate that. I used to look at you adoringly, but now, even though I still love you, I just don't have what I used to have for you. Is that hard for you? Did you like the way I used to look at you? Do you miss that?" He nodded and started crying and said, "I broke. I used to be good. And then I broke." And that's really the truth. I married this really good, sweet man. And I felt safe. I trusted that he'd always be faithful. But he somehow broke. Cracked. Couldn't live up to what he was supposed to be. He'd always been a sex addict, that I know. He had a giant porn collection that he was very possessive of when we moved in together. But doing what he did was something that no one in the world would ever have pegged my husband of doing. It's the first time I've felt any compassion for him. I've been waiting for that.

Persisting Anger

I am anxious. And that's all there is to it. No, it's not so much anxious. I can't put my finger on it. I'm unsettled. I don't trust. I am afraid of my marriage going awry. Of my husband deciding to stop trying. I'm afraid that he's going to decide to stray and to stray.
I'm simply traumatized by his years of secrets. And I need reassurance. Like how can I feel safe again? What happens when I start trusting, does that make me complacent? How does this marriage become homey and warm without being enmeshed with the two of us having secrets on the side?
I guess it's just about time and patience. I've not been to COSA meetings in a while nor have I been to my husband's SAA meetings with him.
A weird thing happened. I've been getting a lot of attention from men lately. More than usual for some reason. I don't know why. But we went to my husband's 20 year high school reunion and he kept having guys pull him aside and say things like, "your wife is super hot, how'd you score such a hot wife..." blah blah blah... and it caused him to really be all over me for the next few nights. It's odd though. Why did he need third parties to tell him that? Why did the fact that I was totally objectified turn him on? I hate it when dudes act like dudes. It's fucking ridiculous. Why was husband looking for women so much younger and so much hotter than me rather than appreciating me. It's like he can't even see me unless it's pointed out to him.
But this is all me looking backwards. In the now, things are good. And if they continue along this trajectory they will get better. Yet, my anger persists. I sit with it and I become so sick of it. I think that when I hooked up with some other guys it was to mitigate my anger. And it worked temporarily. But as soon as I feel close to husband again, I feel angry but also sad and confused.

update.

Last night I was telling husband that he's really a good man. He did some pretty fucked up shit, but he's a good, good, good man. I'm grateful for SAA and his recovery and how much better he's feeling.

Myself, I feel better too. But I'm not into COSA. And I'm not into my own therapist anymore and I'm not into couples counseling. I'm continuing to feel pathologized in co-dependency. Yup. I have codie traits. That's for sure. And my mom was a full on codependent. The more I think about it and the more I sit in meetings, the more I realize that I don't belong there and it's not what I need.

It's been 4 1/2 months since I found out what my husband was doing and I mostly feel okay. I've not necessarily forgiven or forgotten, but I've found a great deal of peace. And I'm almost beginning to trust him again. I feel that we're certainly past our crisis stage and the pain has dissipated quite a bit. I understand that people usually return to their baseline level of functioning after a crisis. And that is something that has kept me feeling pretty calm over the years, as my baseline feels mostly calm and happy the majority of the time. I did choose well in terms of husband. He messed up. That's true. But he's making ammends. I don't want someone to be perfect, but I demand integrity. And I think that he has it. I hesitate to be lulled into a sense of false safety. So I continue to hold him a bit separate. However, it finally is beginning to feel right again. And better than it used to.

Cabbage

I somehow just managed to down a pound of cabbage and an apple for lunch. There's something about the Jewish holidays that fills me to the brim with bagels and cookies which does something to my intestines akin to brick and mortar. I went to Whole Foods with the intention of getting something healthy for lunch, like a wrap! But I saw a pound of shredded cabbage wrapped in cellophane and my mouth began to water. I try to take those bodily cues when I get them, so a pound of coleslaw and an apple it was.

Husband spent Saturday morning in services with me for Yom Kippur. I'm not some kind of super jew. In fact, I've not done anything for the Jewish Holidays since I lived at home, so, it's been a while. But, it always leaves me feeling flat, sad, and lonely, disconnected. So, this year I decided that I really needed to pray. I did a lot of going to Ashrams and Buddhist temples, and meditation retreats, because that's where I thought I belonged. But somehow, returning to synagogue is what made me really happy. It's where I felt like I belonged. The spiritual/new agey community here on this coast is where I thought I belonged. But it almost feels like competitive yoga, extreme silent meditation retreats, and a serious lack of joy. This isn't something that's super attractive to me. Although, I'd say that 90% of the people in those communities are Jewish. I need the Jewish community. It's one of the few places in life where I felt like I belonged. The problem is, husband is Catholic. So, without him, it will not feel as community-ish. He didn't go to any other services with me this holiday season, but he spent 4 hours on Saturday morning in Yom Kippur services. And for that I give him huge props. But he was confused. Lots of sitting, standing, and Hebrew. And I thought it would be easy and nice for him because it was a reform/reconstructionist congregation. Nothing like the Conservative, somber, boring all in Hebrew services that I had to go to as a kid.
We of course spoke about religion before we got married. But in practice it's weird. I'd been avoiding my faith for the years since we've been married. My faith was in him. In fact, I even made a Christmas this past year with a Christmas Tree. But my faith wasn't in my husband or in my marriage this year. I needed someplace else to feel welcome, to feel love, to feel community. Husband has his SAA meetings and I fucking hate COSA with a deep passion.
I need something bigger, something outside of myself to feel secure and to feel loved unconditionally. That's normal, that's human. That's what we're supposed to get from our parents. Husband is trying and working his program. But I don't trust his love for me. I trust his need for me. But not his love. I still don't understand how he could have done this to me if he loved me. I know it's not about it. I get that. But I also understand that all of my actions affect husband, so I try to consider him before I do what I do. After I found out about his 2 years of unfaithfulness, I stopped considering him. But that was too painful. But I have to consider myself. I don't know how this is going to play out. I don't know how I'm going to get what I need when what I need is so drastically different than what he needs. I want love, safety, community and security. The sex addict and partner of sex addict recovery world does not resonate for me. The psychospiritual community does not do it for me either. Judaism is what has been pulling me in more and more. How do I do this and still make my marriage strong? I don't want to pull away from Husband to make this happen for me, I want him to be a part of this, I want a family and a bigger family. But it's not his culture or safety zone. I don't know how to negotiate this.

Day of Attonment

I am Jewish and husband is Catholic. Tonight starts Yom Kippur, the Day of Attonment, where we atone for our sins, forgive ourselves for our sins and forgive those around us and ask god for forgiveness. I was at services tonight and the Rabbi was talking about how important forgiveness was. He said that even though the other guy who did whatever he did to you is a total schmuck, forgiveness isn't for him, it's for you. When anger stays in your body and in your heart, it makes you heavy, unhappy, bitter, resentful. When you can let go, it's not for the other guy, it's for you.

Unfortunately, I'm not there yet. I thought about it and I talked to husband about it. But I'm just not there. Husband said that he understood. The Rabbi talked about gratitude and how if you can't let go of your anger, to fill your heart for gratitude and eventually you won't have room for anger. I tried that. Here are some things I'm grateful for tonight.

1.)My cat who is laying next to me and staring at me and purring so loud that I can hear him.
2.)My apartment
3.)My career
4.)My office
5.)How few hours I have to work each week to earn a solid living.
6.)My ability to run 8 miles then still spend the night at Synagogue
7.)My really wonderful husband, even though he did stupid jerky things, he is a great human being.
8.)My parents who totally rock.
9.)My mom surviving ovarian cancer and feeling healthy now.
10.)Netflix


8.

I guess I'm still Angry at the World

Oh Life. Why are you so confusing? I think that the Y&S thing is finally beginning to fade. But with it, my feelings for husband have still not returned. It was like Y&S was some giant vacuum that sucked away my feelings for husband. No lust, no passion, no anger, no love. Just attachment. I want to go out without him and make out with boys. I have no desire to be around him these days. My drinking is so out of control too. No, not out of control in that out of control way. But out of control in that, I'll say I'm not going to drink that day, but still have a glass of wine. I drank 3 days in the last week. One day I drank something like 3 glasses of wine. And today I've decided not to drink. But instead I'm lusting after sugar. I am craving chocolate and peanut butter and Heath bars and sex bars. I had a dream last night that me and husband were in Hawaii and he had gone several months before without me. He said to surf, but he admitted in the dream that it was to have sex with "Hawaiian Honeys." I woke up very aroused from the dream because I got angry again. I tried to have sex with Husband but he was fast asleep. We've not had sex in almost 3 weeks actually. I've been disinterested. I've been still fantasizing about sex with Y&S. But I've not contacted him and he hasn't contacted me. What a silly little thing. I've been talking to husband about it and about how it's all old attachment stuff. He feels confused and sad and cries a lot. I'm still mad at him.

bored...

I was talking to husband this morning about how much I dislike everything in life right now. How I have no interests and no intellectual curiosity. It's like, we have people over for dinner and I look forward to pouring wine and drinking it. We go to a wedding and I am looking forward to sipping champagne and mingling. But the idea of mingling without sipping is excruciating. I don't know what I like anymore. I think about how I come home from work in the evening looking forward to my evening glass of wine. I am sick of introspecting. I haven't drank today, but I've been bored and I've been acting out with food. Husband is trying to be supportive. I don't give a shit anymore. I just don't know what I like. I don't know what makes me happy. I am totally sick of what I do for a living. I am sick of holding everyone else's shit and pain and taking care of them and worrying about them. I am sick of coming home and not being able to take care of myself. I am sick of being a perfect mingler. I am sick of me. I don't know what I like. I am so disinterested in conversations with people. I am sick of being far from my family. I am bored. I hate our friends here. I hate being a Psychologist. I am bored. I am disenchanted and I am restless. I hate being a fucking yuppie. Of course I slipped into fantasy with young & strapping. I needed something to distract me from the fact that I'm totally fucking bored. I hate that my husband has no sperm. I hate our stupid yuppie life. I hate how we all sit around and taste wine as a facade for the fact that we're all alcoholics. But we are allowed to drink in the afternoon because it's an expensive bottle. WTF? Is there more to life? I hate how every recovering alcoholic decides that drinking is a better life than not drinking. But what's it all worth? I don't know what I want. I don't know what I need. I am lonely. I am bored. I am sad. And I feel gross for acting out with food all day. I don't know how all my food issues snuck up on me again. And I'm gaining weight now. I've been consuming and consuming and consuming. And I want to stop. Husband gets better and I get sicker. It's so sad.