Friday, October 26, 2012

Yeah, I've got a problem with alcohol

Back when husband was acting out, this was our pattern. I'd come home from work, usually late, usually around 9 pm, we'd crack open a bottle of wine, we'd eat dinner, then husband would escape into the front room and do his acting out, meeting ladies (supposedly) online for their hours of cyber-sex while I sat in our bedroom on our bed sipping on red wine and entering sweepstakes online. Really, that's what every night looked like. We were both escaping. Now, things are different.

But not really.

My anxiety went through the roof after babykins came into the picture, as did my insomnia. At about 4 months post-partum, I developed a raging dependence on benzos. Ativan & Xanax. I know about people who are very addicted to benzos, and I'm not really in that realm, but I was taking about .25 - .50 mg of ativan to help me sleep each night.   I also started drinking again pretty quickly after I delivered the baby. I don't mean drinking with a capital D. I mean drinking. One dark beer each night. Rationalizing-- it's good for my milk supply.

 Then I knew I had to quit the benzos so I did.  Because, yes, I was breastfeeding my son with benzos in my body. Again, not high levels, very low levels, my prescription said not to breastfeed him within 6 hours of taking .5 mg of ativan. But usually he'd wake up and I'd nurse him.  Please don't comment and lecture me. I hate myself for it.  I also had some xanax hanging around the house (it's husbands) which I would take when ativan wasn't cutting it.

I also take either benadryl or 1/2 of a unisom to fall asleep each night.

Goddamnit. I want to be able to sleep without medication. I really do. 

Now, I think I can quit benzos because of the mere fact that we only have about 5 xanax left. They're going to run out and I won't have them.

But that leaves me to alcohol. I drink every night.  Usually one glass of wine or one beer. Sometimes two. And then, every once in a while, usually on a Thursday or Friday night, it's 3.

Last night was bad. It was one glass of wine while watching the world series. Then one beer after babykins went to sleep. Then a xanax (a whole .5 mg pill, I usually only take a half) then a glass of wine, then 2 benadryls.  I passed out.

Then woke up with raging anxiety about how fucking much I hate myself.


I have been waking up in the middle of the night with anxiety about how much I hate myself because of drinking alcohol for 20 years.   I know that drinking 1-3 drinks isn't DRINKING the way drinking is for many. But I hate it.

I hate it.

I fucking hate it.

And I make these grandiose statements about quitting booze all the time.


And I go for one day. Sometimes I can go for two.  But alcohol has such a fucking grip on me that it feels impossible. I feel like the urge is impossible to contain.

If I were my Psychologist, I'd tell me to get thee to an AA immediately. Not to think about it, just do it. Be in the program. Be part of the program. Find a women's meeting. If I were my patient, I'd have all the typical excuses that I have. I don't want people to see me. I don't have time. I don't want to never drink again.... Then Psychologist me would remind patient me that I don't never have to drink again. That it's one day at a time. Then patient me would say, "yeah...but..." then psychologist me would tell me that my alcoholism is making excuses for me not to go. Then patient me would get angry and reject the disease model. Then Psychologist me would say, "yes, the disease model is not for everyone..." and ask me to just think about it, to just check out a few meetings. Patient me would agree.

Thank god I'm not my own shrink. I feel like an exhausting patient.


Meanwhile, I don't want to drink anymore. I really don't.  Not the way I do.

I'm not going to say that I'm planning on being sober for 30 days or 90 days or a week even. But I'm going to say that I'm not going to drink just for today. And if I need a drink really badly, I'm going to try to write about it here.

Husband is not the only addict in the family. And I don't want babykins to grow up with parents who drink in the home. I don't want him to have a problem with alcohol. The only way to help that is to be a good example. I can't control him and what he does or doesn't do as he becomes an adult in years to come, but I can control myself, and I can be a better person, and if he grows up with two loving, centered, grounded parents, that might be a better way for him to grow up, he might have a better shot at life.

I want to be balanced. I want to sleep without drugs. I want to be grounded. I want to meditate daily. I want my body to be filled with healthy food and fruit and vegetables and not wine and ice cream and beer and hotdogs. (I don't eat hot dogs).

I want to be free from the fucking grip that alcohol has on me.

Fuck you wine.

Fuck you TV shows that have women sitting around with wine glasses all the time. Fuck articles in the NY times touting that 2-3 glasses of red wine each night is the secret elixer to a long life. Fuck anything that helps me to justify my habit.