So, pregnancy is not as smooth as I had imagined it would be. The husband is saying his serenity prayer over and over and I'm doing it once in a while. I've been bleeding and spotting since week five and I've had a few big bleeds that have landed me in the hospital. Turns out I have a subchorionic hematoma.
God I'm fucking pissed. I mean, I would really, really, really like to have some gratitude here. And I mostly do, but this is my fucking secret ass blog where I fucking vent all of my secret ass feelings. So fucking sue me if I fucking whine for a few minutes.
It's unfucking fair that I suffered through years of infertility because of my husband's lack of sperm.
It's unfucking fair that he spent all of his time on the internet prowling for 18 year old slutty girls to fuck for years and I didn't know it. I'm a mother fucking psychologist for crying the fuck out loud. You would think I had some goddamned insight into my isolator/codependent husband. Now, it's fucking unfair that when some good shit starts to happen, it's tinged with this scary shit. What the fuck God? What the fuck?
Okay I'm done now. And though part of me is fucking pissed, I'm mostly grateful. And my heart is breaking for those who are suffering in Japan, and they are in my prayers.
The husband is busy working on his first step. It's unnerving because he's spending a lot of time up late working on it and I try to get to bed early because of said pregnancy and the fact that I'm on first trimester bed rest. I'm also on pelvic rest, so no sex for my sex addict husband. Nor for me. I can't go running, I can't have sex. I have very little to calm me down. I'm overeating junk and I'm putting on weight. Not pregnant weight. Fat weight. Oh well. Again, it's okay.
I chatted with the husband the other night about how much I hate him being awake and in the other room while I am in bed. I reminds me of when he was acting out and I was told that he was up late "studying."
Oh well. That's me for now. I'll keep updating.
xo,
L
