update.

Last night I was telling husband that he's really a good man. He did some pretty fucked up shit, but he's a good, good, good man. I'm grateful for SAA and his recovery and how much better he's feeling.

Myself, I feel better too. But I'm not into COSA. And I'm not into my own therapist anymore and I'm not into couples counseling. I'm continuing to feel pathologized in co-dependency. Yup. I have codie traits. That's for sure. And my mom was a full on codependent. The more I think about it and the more I sit in meetings, the more I realize that I don't belong there and it's not what I need.

It's been 4 1/2 months since I found out what my husband was doing and I mostly feel okay. I've not necessarily forgiven or forgotten, but I've found a great deal of peace. And I'm almost beginning to trust him again. I feel that we're certainly past our crisis stage and the pain has dissipated quite a bit. I understand that people usually return to their baseline level of functioning after a crisis. And that is something that has kept me feeling pretty calm over the years, as my baseline feels mostly calm and happy the majority of the time. I did choose well in terms of husband. He messed up. That's true. But he's making ammends. I don't want someone to be perfect, but I demand integrity. And I think that he has it. I hesitate to be lulled into a sense of false safety. So I continue to hold him a bit separate. However, it finally is beginning to feel right again. And better than it used to.

Cabbage

I somehow just managed to down a pound of cabbage and an apple for lunch. There's something about the Jewish holidays that fills me to the brim with bagels and cookies which does something to my intestines akin to brick and mortar. I went to Whole Foods with the intention of getting something healthy for lunch, like a wrap! But I saw a pound of shredded cabbage wrapped in cellophane and my mouth began to water. I try to take those bodily cues when I get them, so a pound of coleslaw and an apple it was.

Husband spent Saturday morning in services with me for Yom Kippur. I'm not some kind of super jew. In fact, I've not done anything for the Jewish Holidays since I lived at home, so, it's been a while. But, it always leaves me feeling flat, sad, and lonely, disconnected. So, this year I decided that I really needed to pray. I did a lot of going to Ashrams and Buddhist temples, and meditation retreats, because that's where I thought I belonged. But somehow, returning to synagogue is what made me really happy. It's where I felt like I belonged. The spiritual/new agey community here on this coast is where I thought I belonged. But it almost feels like competitive yoga, extreme silent meditation retreats, and a serious lack of joy. This isn't something that's super attractive to me. Although, I'd say that 90% of the people in those communities are Jewish. I need the Jewish community. It's one of the few places in life where I felt like I belonged. The problem is, husband is Catholic. So, without him, it will not feel as community-ish. He didn't go to any other services with me this holiday season, but he spent 4 hours on Saturday morning in Yom Kippur services. And for that I give him huge props. But he was confused. Lots of sitting, standing, and Hebrew. And I thought it would be easy and nice for him because it was a reform/reconstructionist congregation. Nothing like the Conservative, somber, boring all in Hebrew services that I had to go to as a kid.
We of course spoke about religion before we got married. But in practice it's weird. I'd been avoiding my faith for the years since we've been married. My faith was in him. In fact, I even made a Christmas this past year with a Christmas Tree. But my faith wasn't in my husband or in my marriage this year. I needed someplace else to feel welcome, to feel love, to feel community. Husband has his SAA meetings and I fucking hate COSA with a deep passion.
I need something bigger, something outside of myself to feel secure and to feel loved unconditionally. That's normal, that's human. That's what we're supposed to get from our parents. Husband is trying and working his program. But I don't trust his love for me. I trust his need for me. But not his love. I still don't understand how he could have done this to me if he loved me. I know it's not about it. I get that. But I also understand that all of my actions affect husband, so I try to consider him before I do what I do. After I found out about his 2 years of unfaithfulness, I stopped considering him. But that was too painful. But I have to consider myself. I don't know how this is going to play out. I don't know how I'm going to get what I need when what I need is so drastically different than what he needs. I want love, safety, community and security. The sex addict and partner of sex addict recovery world does not resonate for me. The psychospiritual community does not do it for me either. Judaism is what has been pulling me in more and more. How do I do this and still make my marriage strong? I don't want to pull away from Husband to make this happen for me, I want him to be a part of this, I want a family and a bigger family. But it's not his culture or safety zone. I don't know how to negotiate this.

Day of Attonment

I am Jewish and husband is Catholic. Tonight starts Yom Kippur, the Day of Attonment, where we atone for our sins, forgive ourselves for our sins and forgive those around us and ask god for forgiveness. I was at services tonight and the Rabbi was talking about how important forgiveness was. He said that even though the other guy who did whatever he did to you is a total schmuck, forgiveness isn't for him, it's for you. When anger stays in your body and in your heart, it makes you heavy, unhappy, bitter, resentful. When you can let go, it's not for the other guy, it's for you.

Unfortunately, I'm not there yet. I thought about it and I talked to husband about it. But I'm just not there. Husband said that he understood. The Rabbi talked about gratitude and how if you can't let go of your anger, to fill your heart for gratitude and eventually you won't have room for anger. I tried that. Here are some things I'm grateful for tonight.

1.)My cat who is laying next to me and staring at me and purring so loud that I can hear him.
2.)My apartment
3.)My career
4.)My office
5.)How few hours I have to work each week to earn a solid living.
6.)My ability to run 8 miles then still spend the night at Synagogue
7.)My really wonderful husband, even though he did stupid jerky things, he is a great human being.
8.)My parents who totally rock.
9.)My mom surviving ovarian cancer and feeling healthy now.
10.)Netflix


8.

I guess I'm still Angry at the World

Oh Life. Why are you so confusing? I think that the Y&S thing is finally beginning to fade. But with it, my feelings for husband have still not returned. It was like Y&S was some giant vacuum that sucked away my feelings for husband. No lust, no passion, no anger, no love. Just attachment. I want to go out without him and make out with boys. I have no desire to be around him these days. My drinking is so out of control too. No, not out of control in that out of control way. But out of control in that, I'll say I'm not going to drink that day, but still have a glass of wine. I drank 3 days in the last week. One day I drank something like 3 glasses of wine. And today I've decided not to drink. But instead I'm lusting after sugar. I am craving chocolate and peanut butter and Heath bars and sex bars. I had a dream last night that me and husband were in Hawaii and he had gone several months before without me. He said to surf, but he admitted in the dream that it was to have sex with "Hawaiian Honeys." I woke up very aroused from the dream because I got angry again. I tried to have sex with Husband but he was fast asleep. We've not had sex in almost 3 weeks actually. I've been disinterested. I've been still fantasizing about sex with Y&S. But I've not contacted him and he hasn't contacted me. What a silly little thing. I've been talking to husband about it and about how it's all old attachment stuff. He feels confused and sad and cries a lot. I'm still mad at him.

bored...

I was talking to husband this morning about how much I dislike everything in life right now. How I have no interests and no intellectual curiosity. It's like, we have people over for dinner and I look forward to pouring wine and drinking it. We go to a wedding and I am looking forward to sipping champagne and mingling. But the idea of mingling without sipping is excruciating. I don't know what I like anymore. I think about how I come home from work in the evening looking forward to my evening glass of wine. I am sick of introspecting. I haven't drank today, but I've been bored and I've been acting out with food. Husband is trying to be supportive. I don't give a shit anymore. I just don't know what I like. I don't know what makes me happy. I am totally sick of what I do for a living. I am sick of holding everyone else's shit and pain and taking care of them and worrying about them. I am sick of coming home and not being able to take care of myself. I am sick of being a perfect mingler. I am sick of me. I don't know what I like. I am so disinterested in conversations with people. I am sick of being far from my family. I am bored. I hate our friends here. I hate being a Psychologist. I am bored. I am disenchanted and I am restless. I hate being a fucking yuppie. Of course I slipped into fantasy with young & strapping. I needed something to distract me from the fact that I'm totally fucking bored. I hate that my husband has no sperm. I hate our stupid yuppie life. I hate how we all sit around and taste wine as a facade for the fact that we're all alcoholics. But we are allowed to drink in the afternoon because it's an expensive bottle. WTF? Is there more to life? I hate how every recovering alcoholic decides that drinking is a better life than not drinking. But what's it all worth? I don't know what I want. I don't know what I need. I am lonely. I am bored. I am sad. And I feel gross for acting out with food all day. I don't know how all my food issues snuck up on me again. And I'm gaining weight now. I've been consuming and consuming and consuming. And I want to stop. Husband gets better and I get sicker. It's so sad.

Sad about me Now

As husband recovers, I feel that I'm falling deeper and deeper into messiness. I have a serious problem with alcohol. I drink almost every night, and last night I drank a ton. I am not in a 12 step program for it, but perhaps I should be. But I really don't want to. I go to my COSA meetings and I absolutely hate them. They make me want to strangle people. My husband goes to SAA meetings several times a week and I am just sick of hearing about people "in their disease."

I just want to take some responsibility for myself and my life. We're having people over for brunch next Saturday. I'm really nervous because that's when I would normally drink a ton of champagne and mimosas and be trashed for the whole day. But I'm sick of that life. I don't know how to say no to it though. I'm tired and depressed and I want this to be over already.

I guess that I've not had time to focus on me for so long when I've been so focused on husband, then on Y&S. Where am I in this? I'm sick of work. I don't know what I want or need anymore.

I need to focus on me

My body specifically. There's been a lot of beer, wine, coffee, sugar, mindless eating, some minor binge eating and junk food the last several weeks as I have been in a Y&S fog, I've been neglecting the body. And it's beginning to show. I'm tired. I'm bloated. I'm putting on some weight, my pants were totally tight on me yesterday, though, it was day 2 of my period. But, if I don't focus on something, I'm going to dwell on the fact that my husband cheated on me for two years over the internet, that I've been trying to get pregnant for longer than anyone I know, and all the people who started after me are on their second kids now, that I hate where we live, that we're in crazy debt. That chemicals in my brain made me fall in love with a soldier whom I have no visual memory of. I don't want to think about any of that. So instead, I'm going to take the month of September and commit to detoxing and healthy body.

So, here are the parameters.

1.)Alcohol is limited to weekends. No more than one glass of wine without food. No more than 2 glasses of wine with food. No more than 3 glasses of wine in one day.

2.)Recommit to PCOS low carb diet. No sugar, no junk food, no processed carbs.

3.)Some kind of vegetable at every meal.

4.)Water, water, water. Lots of water.

5.)Recommit to water.

6.)Try to do yoga 3 times a week.

7.)Meditate in the mornings.

8.)Continue training for the half marathon that I've been training for.

9.)No diet soda, splenda, or other artificial sweeteners.

10.)Try to drink tea in the AM instead of coffee. If it is coffee, go for organic.



That's it and that's enough.

I know that sometimes focusing in rather than out can be helpful for me.

Husband and I are doing okay. I was trying to tell him more about Y&S last night, about all the feelings that got me. He tried to listen, but it was hard for him. He said that he can really understand about getting lost in fantasy since that's what happened to him with the sex addiction for all those years. But mine was although also fantasy, a love fantasy. Where I imagined that this boy would take me away from my world of infidelity and infertility. But really, what would the boy do? Bring me into a world of sitting around drinking without any interesting conversation? Probably.